Ch ch change's coming....

I need order in my life.  Mark says it's because my inside is so disordered... whatever.... i don't know, but i need to shed some stuff... old stuff... useless stuff... stuff i didn't acquire but was given to me... interesting... i'm talking about material possessions and i realize i'm also talking about mental/spiritual possessions... I want to get rid of all the shit i don't need... i want a lighter body... this shit's weighin' me down, baby!!!

So, where are we now... or rather, where am I now??? Ok, let's start with Eleanor.  She's still here with us.  She is deteriorating slowly.  Her mind is there, but she cannot articulate what she's thinking, so communication is difficult and often becomes a guessing game.  She's almost completely incontinent, so she wears diapers almost all the time.  I say "almost" because she forgets sometimes and if I don't check every time I see her, we can go in to a "situation" where she will not get up from her chair because she is soaked and worried about dripping all over.  I feel terribly bad for her.  She has so much shame associated with getting old that it literally cripples her joy.  It certainly feels like she has no joy at this point.  She still has a drink now and then, and that kind of lifts her mood momentarily.  She has not allowed me to wash her hair for months and she has not done it herself in as long.  So I'm going to find a home health care worker to help.  Her attitude toward me has deteriorated as well.  She tells the rest of the family that she hates me and that I'm an evil person.  It's what she believes at this point and has for a few years now.

I'm not feeling particularly thrilled with the results of my choices regarding my mother.  I really never had a clue that it would be like this.  If you would have told me 10 years ago that she would eventually accuse me of trying to murder her and steal her things and money, I would have scoffed.  If I'd known what it would be like to live with a person with no empathy, I would have reconsidered my choices.  But on some level, it's all meant to be.  I am battling the thin line... between helping her and hurting myself.  It's not an easy place to be.

More later...